


Cut Scenes

by swells55



Category: Juliantina - Fandom
Genre: Amar a Muerte - Freeform, F/F, Juliantina, Telenovelas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-06
Updated: 2019-02-06
Packaged: 2019-10-23 08:36:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17680091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/swells55/pseuds/swells55
Summary: These are gonna be a series of perspectives and moments that the original telenovela didn’t necessarily show. Enjoy the fluff and angst :)





	1. Sleepover Thoughts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The night of the first sleepover, inside Juliana's head.

Juliana had no reason to feel incensed.

She made up with Valentina after their first squabble, and was invited to a private birthday party. To make sure that she’d come, this new best friend of her’s had bought an exorbitant costing dress and said that one day, the dresses Juls herself would make would be of the same value. There were no words to describe what this all meant to her. How wonderful it was to escape the misery of her life- and with such a person. This poor girl who she found that fateful day, crying on a bench in the party, turned out to be the lifeline she didn’t know she needed. Val was wearing the garment she had haphazardly put together, and they had danced all night in front of a grouchy Lucho. When she had asked Sergio about how long Val and him had been together, she felt a knot in her stomach drop. Suddenly, she realised she was surrounded by rich socialites whose only worries for the night were to remember to call a chauffeur. “Intermitente”, he had said. On and off again. So they had been together for a while? There was some hope in there, since those kinds of relationships hardly lasted. Plus, Juls wanted to smile- it seemed that all Val felt when he was around was pure annoyance. Compared to the way that Val treated her, it would be more likely that she and Val were lovers.

And there it was. That thought occurred once more. In fact, it had been occurring ever since she got the chance to touch Val by the waist.

“Te voy a enseñar bailar, no más porque tu me estás enseñando nadar.” _I’m going to teach you how to dance, only because you’re teaching me how to swim._

A fair exchange- dancing for swimming. Since then, any excuse had been to be close to Val. Emotionally, physically. She had to believe that in some way, she wasn’t the only one feeling this way…even if the feeling itself was terrifying. She had never met anyone who made her feel necessary. Within the span of a few weeks, Val was her confident and support. A positive source of energy that made her heart sore with every loving look she shot at her. As she took a breather to escape from Sergio’s dumbass comments in the bar, she found Val zoning out in the hallways. She was twirling her own ponytail while chugging a glass of water, eyes closed and unable to stand still.

 

“Estás muy rara.” _You’re being weird._ Val smirked and opened one eye to playfully point at her.

“Tú estás rara.” _You are_. Juls couldn’t help but smile- seeing Val so cheeky made her feel like they were naughty school children. Val then proceeded to share the stash of candy she got from Lucho earlier.

“Confias en me?” _Do you trust me?_

“Si…” Val put a pill in Juls mouth. Her eyes opened in shock. As Eva burst into the hallway to berate Val, Juls quickly spit it out. She couldn’t stand people who took drugs. Narcos were the ones who ruined her life, and the last thing she want to do was condone any sort of behaviour associated with their success and power. And yet, despite vowing to never spend time with people who took drugs or who drank excessively, she did not feel any kind of animosity towards Valentina. Rather, quite the opposite. She had nothing but exceeding happiness whenever Val said her name. But after she took Val away from Eva, she saw Lucho, and the anger inside slowly started to rise again. After the boys left, she realised she must’ve been the only sober person in the room.

“Ya quiero ir a mi casa., la neta.”  _Honestly, I wanna go home now._

Despite Val’s puppy dog eyes, the illusion was broken, and the night was over for Juls. A pouting Val sadly picked up her phone to call a driver for her. After a while it seemed that the last one had left. After sending a text to Lupe, she was secretly ecstatic. Sleeping over already? She had never really had the chance to do that anywhere. It was hard to live anywhere consistently with a father like that and a mother who followed him everywhere.

They retired to the room, with Val insisting to show her the new moves that Juls had taught her.

“Sigo aprendiendo, eh?” _I’ve been practicing, you know?_

“De donde sacas bastante energia tu, eh?” _Where are you getting all this energy?_ Juls lied about eating the pill. For some reason, she didn’t want Val to think that she didn’t take it. She wanted Val to believe that she trusted her. Juls really wanted to.

Her heels made a loud thud on the floor as they dropped to the ground. As she tried to sit down, Val swept her back up again into a dancing position, twirling her around slowly and clumsily. Was she drunk or high? Juls became very serious suddenly. Val’s lips were far too close to her’s. After spinning like drunken pirates, Val excitedly planted Juls on the bed to tell her about a game they should play.

“Vamos a sentirnos.” _We are going to feel each other._

What? Juls was very aware that nothing would ever happen between them…This was the constant reminder she gave herself in moments like this. It made sure she could stay with Val, even if this unrealisable reality was the one she wanted to live the most. It was very important to not look into her eyes for too long. Thankfully, she was told to close them. She felt like an idiot holding her hands up, surrendering herself at gunpoint to Val’s touch.

“Tienes que seguir mi recorrido de energia.” _You have to follow the currents of my energy._   
  
Val started to lightly tap Juls all over the arms, shoulders, head. Juls had to use every ounce of willpower she had to keep her eyes shut and body still. Whatever you do, do not move. Do not open your eyes. Val felt so close. With every graze, Juls could feel herself blushing. The nerves were starting to unsettle her, but at the same time, she was excited to let it happen. Before she could react, Val was already caressing her face, her face so close to Juls that she could smell the scent of her perfume mixed in with many shots of vodka. Just as she thought Val was going to kiss her, the door opened. Guille, who she had met earlier, was at the door, begging them to turn the music down. Val seemed unfazed, and Juliana felt robbed of a moment. Or maybe there was nothing there to begin with. The thought made her sorrowful all over again. Half heartedly, she asked if Guille had another driver she could use but Val grabbed her by the hands and implored her- “you promised you would stay with me tonight!”

How could she refuse? How could she possibly resist that face, those eyes, those lips...

As Val asked her to help take off the shirt Juls had made earlier that day, she couldn’t help but stare at the small of Val’s back. She wanted nothing more than to stroke it softly. Bravely, she undid the back of the blouse. 


	2. On the way to the Professor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The imagined car scene after Juliana tells Valentina that Jacobo is someone else’s in her father’s body.

On the way to the Professor Camilo’s house, the two remained silent. Val was mustering all her energy to not break the silence first. Juls had to be the one to do it. She wanted to know that Juls still cared, even though she already knew deep down inside, she did...but given the ridiculousness of all the things they had recently discovered, she didn’t know what to say anyways.

Alirio took pity on Valentina because of the whole kidnapping, and disobeyed direct orders to keep Juliana away from all things Carvajal. Though he never thought to question his orders, he couldn’t see how a nice young girl like Juliana could pose a threat to Valentina. He sensed that she was much happier since they had met, and was glad to hear them chirping along in the back. He hadn’t seen that from Valentina that since the master of the house died. Now, the young miss had refused to leave the house since the kidnapping, so when she had suddenly asked to leave the home, Juliana by her side, he took them to Camilo’s house, no questions asked...but even he could feel how the air between the two girls had visibly changed.

Juls kept trying to stare out the window but she could feel Valentinas gaze on her. She couldn’t stand it. Those piercing light blue eyes, so full of hurt. All because of Juliana and her inability to keep their pacto. She regretted breaking it off as soon as she walked away from Val on that bench, but it had been for the best. It destroyed her knowing that Val was being bullied, vilified by her own sister, for having Juliana around. To see the beautiful life she had go to ruin on account of being with a girl...And a girl like Juliana, nonetheless. She was just some poor homeless girl whose father was an assassin and mother was being chased by gangsters. What a crazy loser. Since Lupe’s kidnapping, all Juliana had been was trouble for Val. Sr. Montilla, Chivis, and Eva made that abundantly clear. Val not only did everything in her power to help, but risked it all for them to be together...and Juls threw it all away, cause both of them had too much to lose. But wasn’t losing Val even worse?

Of _course_ , but she hated herself. If Val had gotten kidnapped on account of El fucking Chino, she was going to take him out herself. If Val was going to lose her family because of this one relationship, she wouldn’t let her. Knowing Val, Juls knew that she lead with her heart- a sweet romantic who had only ever followed her instincts. She would fight for Juliana...but Juls was scared. Absolutely terrified. Not for herself, no...but for her. Juls had never had he luxury to dream, and had a tendency to be pessimistic - prone to surrender before a battle begun. It was all she had even known, after all those years on the run with Lupe.

Val assessed every detail of Juliana’s magnificent face in profile. She wanted so much to be angry at her, but she only felt a sad happiness. And a little pulsing feeling in her stomach. It had been a few days since she last saw her, but the kidnapping felt like it lasted for years. Her whole life flashed before her and suddenly saw all the things she still wanted to do. Finish university, get a career, fall in love...When that gun was held to her face all she could think about was Juliana and never being able to see her again. The very foundation of her being had been shook, and Jacobo had rescued her. Nothing and nowhere felt safe anymore...but in the presence of Juliana this sense of security had restored itself slightly. She had lost so much this year. Nothing felt safe. Her dad, Juliana, and now almost her life. There were few things on that list she could still save.

She couldn’t help but drink in Juliana, and wanted so desperately to still believe in the magic that they had. But news of Jacobo potentially being not only assassin but also Juliana’s awful father? It was absurd. Val didn’t want to trust Juls, but knew that she did. She felt dumb. Juliana continued to be a broken record, playing in constant loop in her mind. It was even more than before, after she had discovered what sex could be like when you were in love.

All Juls wanted to was to hug Val so tightly so she knew she was absolutely safe in her arms, and to apologise for how their break up went, but it all seemed unimportant- they needed to figure out the truth. And she had to show Val that she could trust her again. Yet, without even looking at Val, she couldn’t help but place her hand to her side, open; there to passively invite Val to take it, like all those times before.

Val took Juliana’s hand at once.

“I missed you”, they both said at the same time and smiled.

“I’m so sorry Val, I-“

“Not now, Juliana. Can we...can we just sit like this?” Val tipped her head onto Juls shoulder.

“Mhmm.” After a short while, Alirio put on the radio. The car was suddenly filled with some calming piano music. Val looked like she nodded off. Her face hadn’t looked so peaceful since before Lucho ruined their getaway. Juls turned to Val and kissed her on the head and whispered inaudibly-

“Te amo.” _I_ _love_ _you_.


	3. Post Toast Processing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Before Juls and Val could even finish a piece of toast, they have to deal with more disapproval :(

_Joder._

She did not want Lupe to find out this way. She had dreaded it since she and Val first kissed, and she didn’t expected it to happen so soon. She had broken up with Val to avoid a scene like this, but now the cat was out of the bag, and her mother wanted to leave the city as soon as possible.

All that talk of reincarnation and magic let Juliana and Valentina momentarily forget that their love was considered forbidden one. The existence and validity of homosexuality was a walk in

the park compared to transmigration and switching bodies. Juls could begin to believe, because Val did. She wanted so desperately to be Valentina’s prince charming from another life. To know that they have and would find each other no matter who they were. They were just getting back to normal, with Val playing with her hair and caressing her face with a tenderness…it made her skin tingle. Then, they both remembered that they were technically no longer together.

“Sorry, just with the transition, I don’t know how to-“

“Hey, just because of all this stuff that’s happening, it doesn’t mean I don’t feel the same way about you.”

She was finally ready to comfort Val with a pretence of trust and familiarity. She didn’t want to hurt her again. She wanted to hold her in her arms forever and forget that anyone else existed.

“If what you say is true, then we would find each other in another life anyways.”

“And if I’m your grandma in that life?”

“I don’t want you to be my grandma...”

“I don’t want to be your grandma either.” They both sniggered before sizing up for a kiss.

“Juliana!”

Lupe was meant to be taking a nap, yet she suddenly appeared out of nowhere and began lunging at Val, telling her to stop “taking advantage of Juliana”. Juls knew it was only a matter of time.

“How could you do this to me? What did you do to her?”

“Love is never a perversion! This is the best thing I’ve ever felt in my entire life!”

All of what she had pent up inside her exploded out in a attempt to defend Valentina from her mother. She wasn’t afraid of Lupe, but she knew Val was in no state to be yelled at this way. Juls would know. She clasped onto Vals hand, feeling a kind of courage emit from it. Lupe lunged at them. Val sprinted away, and Juliana was absolutely livid. Juls had just managed to put a smile on her face again, only to see it run away in panic and fear. Was the world really against them? How could her mother be so hypocritical? She was no one to judge anyone about their romantic choices. El FUCKING Chino AKA daddy dearest , was an irresponsible and selfish hitman who consistently abandoned them. Yet Lupe still tried to chase after him, and there was little Juliana could ever do to disagree with her mother. That is, until now.

“Nothing you say can change the fact that I am in love with Valentina.”

Here she was, crying in the back garden, reliving all what had transpired in the last hour. She tried to call Val, but she hadn’t answered, so she sent a text instead.

_Val, no matter what happens, you know that I care about you so much. I don’t care what Lupe says. Call me back please._

She wasn’t going anywhere. No, she wasn’t going to blindly follow Lupe any longer. The love she had for her mother was immense, but it had been a long time coming. Val needed her more. It was time she stood up for what she wanted for once. She was going to fight. She needed to figure out what the hell the body of her father was doing with Valentina’s family.

* * *

 

On the way back home, Val struggled to keep her sobs hidden from Alirio. With a voice of concern, he kept asking if there was anything he could do.

“No, no. I’m fine Alirio. Just take me home. Please.”

With no more tears left, Val took a huge gulp of water and decided to process what just happened. The look that Lupe gave her just then…was murderous. Val sensed early on that Lupe didn’t like her, and now she was sure that Lupe loathed her.

 _“You’ve taken advantage of her long enough!”_ The accusation rang in her head. 

Juls was right. She _was_ traditional. At least she knew that Juliana was being sincere- Lupe’s words mirrored Eva exactly- in that very same furious and disgusted voice. A voice that thought it knew what was best for you. One that came from a place of misguided love. Val supposed that this what it felt like for Juliana to receive Eva- a distant acquaintance demonstrating unwarranted and fervent disdain. She thought Lupe was gonna punch her when they started holding hands. She wanted to bury herself in her bed and cry. Why was it so hard to understand that all she wanted to Juliana and her to be happy and in love? She needed to talk to someone, but the only person she wanted to talk to was probably hearing all the horrible things that Eva had said to her.

_You’re going through something! Go see a doctor. This will pass. Don’t ruin your life. You’ll thank me later. You don’t know what you want!_

She knew exactly what she wanted.

_Juliana Valdez._

And, if it was all a ruse, then Lupe, Jacobo, and Juls all deserved Oscars.

_There’s no way that she’s lying._

Camilo confirmed it. Jacobo is not El Chino. She knew Juliana was still coming around to the idea of souls and reincarnation, but she believed it wholeheartedly. However there was something from that conversation that peaked her curiosity. She knew it in her gut that Camilo was keeping something from them. Especially when she mentioned if Jacobo knew her father.

_What if what if what if?_

No, that would be ludicrous. Val thought back to how Jacobo would talk to her just like his own daughter, and how he kissed her forehead in the way Leon did.

_No way. It couldn’t be. He would’ve told me._

For a single second, Val had hope that her dad’s soul might be alive somewhere, in another body. What would he have thought about Juliana? She prayed to the Gods that he would’ve understood. But she would have no idea. But she did know that Leon would of reacted better than Lupe.


	4. A House All To Ourselves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A reimagined first scene of Val and Juls in the camp house.

The surprise was a house. And not just any house.

It was another house in the countryside that was going to be empty. They would have the whole estate to themselves- no Chivis, no bodyguards- no _nadie_. It’s no wonder that Val had been so giddy on the car ride over. She could barely contain her excitement.

As the car pulled up, Juls eyes widened.

“It’s beautiful.” She was in complete awe. Val’s houses were always grandiose, but there was an especially charming and cozy quality about this one. It had the same wear and tear that houses hold when they’re imbued with memories. Pictures and antique posters and paintings lined the walls, as well as old toys and bric-a-brac. Those must’ve belonged to a baby Valentina. Juls burst into a grin thinking about what baby Val might’ve looked like.

“What is this place?”

“This is the house we used to come to all the time…before my mom died. After that …” The look from Val’s eyes was enough to make Juliana want to burst into tears. She couldn’t imagine what life without a mom would be like. Lupe was the only family she had and her kidnapping had forced her to confront a future without her. It was unthinkable. And then, Val lost her dad, and Juls knew that her father had meant the world to her.

“Hey…” Juliana took Val’s hands and stroked her head. The smell of her hair was still the same as her’s, and it gave Juls a rush to know that they shared the same scent. She had never showered with anyone before that night, and she didn’t realise just how sensual it could be.

_And wet._

“Talk to me.” Foreheads touching once more, Val looked up and smiled, eyes wide and almost teary.

“I feel guilty … since I forget what she looks like sometimes. But I remember moments. Like when I scrapped my knee in the garden over there and she kissed it better and held me in her arms-sung me a song to calm me down. I remember it feeling so safe. My dad…he was the best. But he couldn’t do that for me. He was always so busy, with the company and all.”

“Look at me, Val. I’m here.” She touched Val’s chest, playing with the horseshoe shaped charm on her necklace. Val couldn’t stop staring at Juliana’s lips.

“I’ll sing you songs. I’ll read you stories. I’ll hold you tight. Come on.” She took Val’s hand.

“Let’s make some new memories.”

* * *

 

“Thank you for coming. I’ve never really wanted to take someone here before, but I thought we could definitely use the privacy.Here, I can have you all to myself.” Val did _not_ want the first voice she heard this morning to be Chivi’s, but there it was. Knocking on her door and scaring the living daylights out of Juliana, who proceeded to burrow herself into sheets like a meerkat in search of a portal to an underground dimension. It would’ve irritated Val more if the sight wasn’t so adorable, but it did interrupt what could be described as “the best night of her life.” She found herself struck dumb with love, gobsmacked and useless. The very thought of Juliana made her blush and grin stupidly, even though she was right in front of her. She followed Juls around as she observed the rest of house.

“No way.”

Juls pointed to a photo on the wall. It was a family portrait of the Carvajals. A stunning woman wearing a royal blue dressing gown was standing next to a very young and handsome Leon, with three children in front of them. The tallest was definitely Eva, already looking grouchy and ill-tempered- arms crossed with a “I don’t want to be here” kind of look. Guille, sporting a suit and tie, was goofily smirking with all his teeth, which explained why a very small Valentina was laughing in the photo. Other than growing much taller, Val looked pretty much the same. Juls recognised that giggling expression. It was the one that she had seen earlier in the car.

“Your mother is a vision. You look so much like her.”

“Everyone always says that.” Val blushed. There was some comfort in knowing that there was something that would always tie her to her mother.

“And _you_ are the most precious thing I have ever seen.”

“I think I’m 7 years old in that one. Right after some wedding.” Juls couldn’t stop cooing over mini Valentina. She wanted to scream. 

“Look! Ah, you had dimples already when you were 7!” Val playfully shoved Juls, who held her hand over her mouth. It was too much to handle.

“This isn’t fair! I should get to see _your_ baby photos.”

“Well, I guess you’ll just have to earn it.” Juls stealthily walked away, Val trailing behind her, intrigued and tickled by Juls’ suggestion. She slipped into the kitchen to get a glass of water, but when she turned around, she only found Val, inches from her face, with her arms on both sides, pressed against the counter.

“Mhmm. And what do I have to do to earn it?” Valentina had her trapped. Juls didn’t know why,but she kind of liked it.

“Well, I do have something in mind, actually.”

“Ah, uh-huh. I see. And what might that be?”

Val had whispered it ever so quietly right into her ear. A prickly sensation pulsed throughout her whole body as the warm breath lingered in her hair. Val loved to rest her head on Juls shoulder, anchoring herself there as refuge from reality. Juls pulled her close by the waist, which forced Val to put her hands on Juls’ neck instead. She was proud of the amount of self-control she was exhibiting, because she wanted nothing more than to tear off all their clothes and pin Juls against the kitchen wall, but she knew that she had to earn it. Rewards are far much more satisfying when you have to work for them.

“Why don’t I tell you… after we eat?”


	5. Regrets Regrets and Mezcal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Juliana sees Val and Lucho together, she tries drinking for the first time..

The sight itself was enough to shatter her heart into a million pieces. The last time she saw Lucho, he was clawing at her, violently lunging himself towards her whole yelling awful things. Juls was never scared of Lucho, but he reminded her of all the danger that could come from her love. This love that seemed to be accepted by no one except for her dear one, who was struggling with her own demons, having been kidnapped recently. It didn’t help that her mother had given her the same treatment as Lucho had her- saying that Val had someone taken advantage of her daughter...it was like a recurring subject that everyone had an opinion on but concerned no one else but the two of them. Then why was it so hard to be left alone and happy? Juls just wanted to be normal, but seeing who she was and who Valentina was, this probably would never be possible. She had taken three buses and walked for 45 minutes just to get to Val’s house, only to see Lucho hugging her so closely. It made her blood boil. She probably should’ve let Val explain, but what on Earth could have possibly give reason for her and Lucho to be together again? After how he treated her? 

“That couple...They can be described with one word: intermittent.” Sergio had said that a long time ago- that they had been on and off for years.

_No, you’re being stupid. You know Val loves you._

But what if she finally realised that it was easier this way? Wasn’t it Juliana was the one that broke things off. She felt suddenly full of hatred for her own pragmatic ways. It was true, they were no longer together so she had no right to feel possessive. She was allowed to hate Lucho with every fibre of her being, but she couldn’t tell Val to stay away from him. She wasn’t like that. But she secretly wished that Val made some better choices. Her phone rang incessantly.

**Valentina. 4 missed calls. 5 new text messages.**

Juliana has never felt so alone. She used to believe that her mother would always be there for her, and now, she had left her side for the first time. She almost missed her, but then thought about Lupe giving her another speech about how love between women was impossible, and came to the conclusion that her decision was the right one. Juliana loved Valentina with her whole heart, but she was the last person she wanted to talk to, and that had never happened before. Suddenly her phone rang again. It was Sergio. Juliana sniffed and dried her eyes to make it sound less obvious that she had been slowly weeping the entire journey home.

“Hey Juliana! I’ve got you a flat? Where are you? I’ll take you.”

As much as Juliana didn’t want to rely on Sergio, she was indebted to him for helping her. She had a place to stay and she could move to Costa Rica at any time. She felt guilty since she knew he probably did it because he had a thing for her...but if watching Lupe over the years taught her anything, it was that you might as well take kindness where you can get it- especially from a man who fancies you. Plus, she had grown sort of fond of him after all this time, and he had on many occasions defended Juliana from Lucho’s hateful attitude. He was a rich guy with asshole tendencies, but she felt his heart was in the right place.

He picked her up at Perlita’s restaurant and drove her to a nice apartment complex only 20 minutes walk away.

“Damn, this place has so much space.”

“It’s all paid for, don’t worry.” She plopped all her stuff on the floor and sat on the sofa.

Sergio whipped out a bottle.

“I brought a little off to celebrate. This is some of the best mezcal ever. “

“Remember, I don’t drink.”

“But you have to try this one! Is it because of the taste? I guarantee this one goes down so smooth you don’t even feel it until it’s too late haha!”

She was reminded of Valentina, drinking herself away in the first few weeks of knowing her. She always wondered why it was such a comfort. It probably helped her relax and forget. To feel less...and that’s exactly what Juliana wanted to do. Everything was fucked, and she loathed herself. It was all her fault. She should have remembered the pact. She should have fought harder. She should have been stronger. She should have been braver, but she was a coward. A stupid coward who squandered away at Valentina’s love because she was afraid. Afraid of what? She couldn’t even remember what she had to lose. Valentina has the courage to risk everything for Juliana, and she couldn’t do the same. And so she went back to Lucho. At least he never gave up on her, the creep...

Juliana took a shot glass from Sergio.

“Fuck it. Let me try it.”

 

The first shot hit the back of her throat like fire, but in a comforting way. It was pretty smooth. Juliana’s face was determined. She wanted to let go.

“So...how are things with Valentina?”

“Give me another shot.” Sergio cautiously poured another.

“Be careful. You must be a light-weight, eh?” Juliana downed it. She could feel the room becoming less vivid, and her mind was a bit cloudier. Her thoughts were no longer going a mile a minute, speeding through all the reasons why she didn’t deserve to be loved. Was she a perversion? Why didn’t her mother understand that her being in love was only ever a good thing? Why did she have to fight it? Why was her father a good-for-nothing assassin that almost got Valentina killed?

“Not so good, I take it.”

“No.” She poured herself another shot this time. They stayed quiet for a moment,Juliana contemplating the liquid in her glass. She didn’t even look at Sergio, whose demeanour remained casual. He clearly didn’t see how Juls was distraught. Or if he did, he didn’t want to talk about it.

“So Juliana...are you gay? I’m just curious. I never would have guessed that y-“

“I don’t know, Sergio. This isn’t about that. I’ve never been like this with anyone else.”

“Are you bisexual, then? I guess this means that you’re not straight, but if you’ve never liked guys then-“

“Who said I’ve never liked guys?”

“Have you ever been with a guy?”

“No.”

“So you’ve only ever tried stuff with girls? That’s a shame. I would say that I definitely support sexual explorations and if yo-“

Juls kissed him just to shut him up. Anything would be better than suffering through this interrogation. How much more clear did she have to be? She had never been in love, and the first just happened to be a girl. Why did everyone want to label her? She hated the way people said it. “Gay.” Scandalous, as if she were no better than a freak at the circus. If she wanted to love a boy, she could...right?

_Maybe you should try it._

A little voice she had never heard before had said it. Amidst the slow descend into intoxication, it became louder.

_You could make sure that your life wasn’t be doomed like your mom said. You want a family one day, right? You’ve never slept with a man before? This could be a good chance to find out._

She started to remember how Val’s lips felt that day at the pool, and how warm her skin was, when all that steaming water was pouring all around them. That closeness with someone...was it because it was Valentina? Or was it because it was a girl? Or could it have been anyone? Suddenly Juliana found herself thirsty for something else entirely. A thirst she never quite felt before she met Val. 

And here was this boy who had wanted her from the very beginning. Who gave her a home and a shoulder to cry on. She felt pity, because she knew what that felt like. It was how she felt when Val and Lucho were still together. It was a bad idea but somehow, it didn’t stop her.

Before she knew it, she was half naked, Sergio hungrily stripping off her shirt. Juls could only feel the redness in her cheeks. She closed her eyes and tried to see Valentina. But this body was wider. Shorter. More aggressive, skin rougher and covered in hair. It itched and smelled musty. He tasted like alcohol and cigarettes, adding to the distaste in her mouth. It felt all wrong. But the voice spoke again.

Just have fun! Don’t you want to make Val jealous?

The thought had never occurred before, but at the moment, seemed like a good plan. Sleep with Sergio so Val could feel how hurt she was to see her get back together with Lucho.

_But were they back together?_

Another voice chimed in. This one was more herself. 

This is what it was like. What her mother had been talking about. Man and woman. What everyone else seemed to rant and rave about. She wanted to fall for a boy. Hell, she probably could. But right now, all she wanted was to tuck Valentinas hair behind her ears and hold her face. To kiss those soft lips with a tenderness that exuded care. To make love...not to fuck.

It ended as soon as it started, and Juliana felt disgusted with herself, accompanied with a good dose of emptiness. She couldn’t even bare to look at him. Sergio, on the other hand, looked pretty pleased.

_What have I done?_

 


End file.
